Sunday, 11 August 2013

Big Blank Point

I'm watching Grosse Pointe Blank which is one of my favourite films, spoilt by the presence of Dan Aykroyd, obviously the great sound track goes some way to make up for it, together with John Cusack and Minnie Driver.  The scariest bit of the film for me is the idea of a school reunion, that even beats the idea of meeting up with an ex.
As an excruciatingly socially awkward human being I found school discos very painful, seriously glued to the wall but not wanting to leave, having to brave it out, until the end of the evening, when I could unplug the disco equipment and go home. Most of my time at secondary school was that bad, I hoped that as I grew up and moved on things would somehow improve, that somehow I could prize myself off the wall and escape me, but that never happened and is in all likely hood impossible.
In a lot of ways that this was inevitable but it may not have been, it doesn't seem to have been for the other awkward people, I knew, while they may not have grown up to be the life and soul of the party they have definitely grown up to make a better stab at life than I have.
I don't know why I have this attitude part of it must go back to my childhood, but whether it is nature or nurture, I can't tell. I definitely seem to have some problems especially involving spelling and grammar but for the most part I think they are just symptoms of an underlying laziness/depression which may or may not be driven by clumsiness and general physical inability. I can't help thinking that if I was actually good at one thing it may have helped, but other than being disruptive, there are very few things that I'm not bloody awful at.
There are definitely some instances which point to it being very early indeed. I can clearly remember that day in 1968 when I was literally dragged, for portions of the journey, to school for the first time. Already a deep fear of change or meeting new people was evident. It wasn't that I didn't like going out, it wasn't that I didn't like new places, it was that I was terrified of people. Admittedly it was different the next day when I was quiet happy to go, or at least think I was.
To this day I continue to live in the past, my life is spent in a constant state of regret, I never lived in the now, this causes some problems, which builds up my bank of regrets to fester over. The past is not a nice place as you are powerless to change it, the result will always be the same, how you actually learn from the past without becoming stuck in it is a difficultly for most of us.

No comments:

Post a Comment